I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
