she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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