2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
