I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
