god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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