I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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