recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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