Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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