is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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