In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
