This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
