I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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