guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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