I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
