my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
