Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
