I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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