i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
