Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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