Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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