I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
