I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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