Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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