Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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