he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
