I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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