Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
