I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
