Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
