i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
