you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh