where does the pee come out of this thing
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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