Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
