Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
