captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
