Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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