Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
