Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
