if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
