my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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