you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
