If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
