Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
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I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
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Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You are the jesus of drinking
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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