I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
