why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
