Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
