We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
