so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
