Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
