you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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