Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
