youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
