My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
