I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
