Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
