i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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