I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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