I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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