i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
